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Sex, drugs and sausage rolls: London life, love and other random stuff

The 10 signs that you’ve become a Londoner

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Image: Man on bridge

I'm very busy and important, you know!

Remember when you moved to London? It seemed so exciting. A real 24 hour city, alive with possibilities. You gazed in wonder at the majestic buildings of the West End rising high in the air — like your hopes and dreams — reaching to heaven.

Well, what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. You became busy. Worse — you became a Londoner.

If you recognise yourself in any of the following, you need a week away in the country. And no, I don’t mean Hampstead Heath. I mean the real country. Yeah, somewhere they don’t have a tube. Scary, huh?

1. You no longer look up

Well obviously when I moved here I did a little sightseeing, but nowadays, I don’t have time to stroll around looking at pretty buildings. I have to get to work! I’m busy — and important! What are all these tourists looking at anyway? Move!

2. Waiting more than three minutes for a tube is absolutely preposterous

WHAT? FOUR minutes? But I have a meeting to get to! Why the hell do I pay all this money for a season ticket if I’m forced to break my stride and stand still for that long? I’m very busy and extremely important! And I’ve had five Starbucks today for chrissakes! I need to walk it off! Sack Boris Johnson!

3. Everyone walks too damn slow

God, get out of my frigging way! Really, I’m writing to City Hall to propose they introduce fast and slow lanes on all pavements. Everywhere. Even in my cul-de-sac. I’m far too busy and important to be held up by leisurely walkers. You’re obviously unemployed. Or a tourist.

4. The Underground is a battleground

Dear foolish day-trippers who stand in all the exits to study the maps: don’t you know you’re going to end up deaf from our crescendo of passive-aggressive tutting as we walk past? Seriously, it’ll be off the Richter scale in a minute if you don’t move.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, I swear I’m going to batter the next fucktard who waits till they get to the fucking barrier before they look for their Oyster Card!

And yes. Please do stop dead after you’ve gone through while you decide where to go next — you know how it thrills me to be on the bottom of a seven-person pile up behind you.

And of course I don’t mind you dragging that wheelie case behind you as you meander from side to side, blissfully unaware of the amount of space you’re taking up.

But please, just stand on the right of the escalator, you moron! I have to get past, and by golly I’ll push if I have to! Did you not hear me before? I’m busy! And important! Gah!

5. You think anywhere outside Zone 2 is too far to travel

Crystal Palace? Where’s that? Is that in Zone two? Zone three, you say? Oh, gosh no. I’m far too busy to travel all that way! I mean it’s miles! Can I even get a signal on my BlackBerry in Crystal Palace? I’m snowed you know. I have calls to take!

6. It surprises you to meet people who have English as a first language

You mean you were actually born here? How weird! I thought you’d be from Poland. Or Brazil. Anyway, got to cut this short I’m afraid. So busy

7. Purple hair and ballet tutus are acceptable attire

Well, of course not for me, but I no longer blink in surprise when they float past me in Sainsbury’s. Although I have been itching to try something more daring…

In fact, when I get my next haircut, unless it’s going in four different directions and I can’t see out from under my fringe, I’m not paying for it. OK?

Skinny jeans and dirty, ripped T shirts? I should jolly well hope so! Let’s all fuck off to Shoreditch and practice looking bored.

8. You feel superior to non Londoners

How much for three pints of beer? Seven pounds, you say? Oh, that’s hilarious! In London, seven quid wouldn’t even buy you one! Oh, I want to move here! But on my London salary. Haw haw.

Look! You even have self-service checkouts! How quaint! Yeah, we had those in London ages ago. They’re really great for me when I have to fly in and out because I’m sooo busy. And really, hideously important.

What was that? You coughed, but I could have sworn you just called me a twat…?

9. Fresh air smells funny

Oh, my God, that’s so weird. I just blew my nose and my snot wasn’t black! Mind if I stand in your garage with the car engine running for a bit? My nostrils are burning from all this excess oxygen and I feel rather sick.

10. You find the sound of sirens comforting

Silence is unnerving, and anyway, at least it means the police are doing their job. Sort of. What was that bang? Not a gunshot, surely. Must have been a car backfiring. I’ll know tomorrow anyway because I won’t be able to move for police tape. Although it had better not make me late for work. I’m stacked at the moment.

—————-

So how many did you get? Is it time to book that train ticket? Or maybe you’ve thought of a few I haven’t? If you have, leave them in the comments section, I’d love to hear them.

Till next time…

10 signs you’ve lived in London too long

1. You no longer look up

Well obviously when London seemed so…exciting. You gazed in wonder at the majestic buildings of the West End rising high in the air — like your hopes and dreams — reaching to heaven.

Nowadays, I don’t have time to stroll around looking at pretty buildings. I have to get to work! I’m busy — and important. What are all these tourists looking at anyway? Move!

2. Waiting more than three minutes for a tube is absolutely preposterous

WHAT? FOUR minutes? But I have a party to get to! What the hell do I pay all this money for a season ticket if I’m forced to break my stride and stand still for that long? I’m very busy and extremely important! And I’ve had five Starbucks today for chrissakes! I need to walk it off! Sack Boris Johnson!

3. Everyone walks too damn slow

God, get out of my frigging way! Really, I’m writing to City Hall to propose they instate fast and slow lanes on all pavements. Everywhere. Even in my cul-de-sac. I’m too busy to be held up by leisurely walkers. You’re obviously unemployed. Or a tourist.

4. The Underground is a battleground

Dear foolish day-trippers who stand in all the exits to study the maps: don’t you know you’re going to end up deafened by our passive-aggressive tutting as we walk past? Seriously, it’ll be off the Richter scale in a minute if you don’t move.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, I swear I’m going to batter the next fucktard who waits till they get to the fucking barrier before they look for their Oyster Card!


And yes. Please do stop dead after you’ve gone through while you decide where to go next — you know how it thrills me to be on the bottom of a seven-man-deep pile up behind you.

And of course I don’t mind you dragging that wheelie case behind you as you meander from side to side, blissfully unaware of the amount of space you’re taking up.

Stand on the right of the escalator you moron! I have to get past, and by golly I’ll push if I have to! — did you not hear me before? I’m busy! And important! Gah!

5. You think anywhere outside Zone 2 is too far to travel

Crystal Palace? Where’s that? Is that in Zone two? Zone three, you say? Oh, gosh no. I’m far too busy to travel all that way! I mean it’s MILES! Can I even get a signal on my BlackBerry in Crystal Palace? I’m snowed you know. I have calls to take!

6. It surprises you to meet people who have English as a first language

You mean you were actually born here? How weird! I thought you’d be from Latvia. Or Brazil.

7. Purple hair and ballet tutus are acceptable attire

Well, of course not for me, but I no longer blink in surprise when they float past me in Sainsbury’s. Although I’ve been itching to try something more daring…

In fact, when I get my next haircut, unless it’s going in four different directions and I can’t see out from under my fringe, I’m not paying for it. OK?

Skinny jeans and dirty, ripped T shirts? I should jolly well hope so! Let’s all fuck off to Shoreditch and practice looking bored.

8. You feel superior to non Londoners

How much for three pints of beer? Seven pounds, you say? Oh, that’s hilarious! In London, Seven quid wouldn’t even buy you one! Oh, I want to move here! But on my London salary. Haw haw.

Look! You even have self service checkouts! How quaint! Yeah, we had those in London ages ago. They’re really great for me when I have to fly in and out because I’m sooo busy. And really, hideously important.

What’s that you said? You coughed, but I could have sworn you just called me a twat…?

9. Fresh air smells funny

Oh, my God, that’s so weird. I just blew my nose and my snot wasn’t black! Mind if I stand in your garage with the car engine running for a bit? My nostrils are burning from all this excess oxygen and I feel rather sick.

10. You find the sound of sirens comforting

Well, at least it means the police are doing their job. Sort of. What was that bang? Oh, sure it was just a car backfiring. I’ll know tomorrow anyway because I won’t be able to move for police tape. Although it had better not make me late for work. I’m stacked at the moment.

Anyway, silence is well…unnerving.

Written by guy_interrupted

May 30, 2010 at 5:12 pm

110 Responses

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  1. These are so true! When all my uni mates moved to London and left me here in Oxford, they all turned into ‘Londoners’.

    They always say I should go and visit them in London more often – but do they ever come out to see me in Oxford…? I think not!

    Another great blog entry. Looking forward to the next installment :-)

    JonnyOx

    May 30, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    • Oxford University but can’t spell “instalment” makes you one of the people that I was so glad to move out of Oxford to avoid. Yep, I lived there and now live in London. Zone five, mind you, though I still recognise myself in far too many of those observations…

      Simon

      December 20, 2011 at 1:15 am

      • He didn’t say he went to Oxford University… Just that he lived in Oxford. But how observant of you to notice that minor spelling mistake. And how ‘London’ of you to feel superior about it.

        On a different note, I love this blog post! I’m definitely a Londoner according to this!

        JNP

        December 20, 2011 at 6:40 am

      • It’s not a mistake, it’s just a valid variant spelling: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instalment
        (Though why JonnyOx is using American English I don’t know – does he want to distance himself from Londoners *that* much? :)

        kathero

        December 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm

      • You’re not a rude, pompous asshole, or anything, Simon.

        Tules

        December 20, 2011 at 5:10 pm

      • Simon, you absolute DICK!!

        Renny

        December 20, 2011 at 5:45 pm

      • You moved out of Oxford because the people surrounding you occasionally made spelling mistakes? How bizarre!

        Dee Dee

        December 21, 2011 at 3:02 pm

      • Zone 5 is not London!!

        Therese

        December 21, 2011 at 10:17 pm

      • Simon, not only was that not cool, it was also completely incorrect.

        michael

        December 22, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      • But i thought ‘installment’ was the UK spelling, while ‘instalment’ is the N. American spelling.

        frogster

        January 2, 2012 at 6:02 am

      • installment is indeed correct. What a moron you are jonnyox!

        Alex Klein

        January 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm

      • Living in zone 5 is not living in London… Get over it!

        Lontra

        February 8, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    • Yes well when Oxford gets an underground travel system DO update us all via this article….. :-)

      People may not be looking up simply to avoid the low flying pigeons and pigeon droppings.

      People MAY get impatient with waiting for a tube, because any more than 3 minutes and the whole platform is unbearably crowded, not least with tourists who think that they need to shove on and off the tube without please/excuse me or thank you and they absolutely MUST hog the door once on.

      Given the size of London some of the outer reaches of the underground are actually further out than driving out of london….

      It does surprise me when people speak English because no one actually speaks English any more anyway. I LOL often at the thought of how our grandparents might have coped with modern day vernacular…

      Finally what IS wrong with ballet tutus and purple hair?

      I will NEVER get used to sirens but I do love living in London and visiting the countryside ;-)

      Lorna

      December 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    • Jonny, I feel your pain. And hiya, neighbour! *waves*

      We both know the Shire is nicer *snobbish look* :-)

  2. In the underground is a battleground section, you forgot to mention about people who stop walking *on the left hand side* of the escalator about three steps before the end – causing an instant backlog of passengers behind them. There is a special place in purgatory for those people.

    Nicholas

    May 30, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    • Those always get a very loud ‘Excuse me!’ trumpeted in their ear from me whenever that happens. And my bag might just end up in the small of their back, entirely by accident… ahem…

      Giselle

      December 20, 2011 at 8:45 pm

  3. Haha! Good call, Nicholas!

    guy_interrupted

    May 30, 2010 at 8:42 pm

  4. Multi-directional hair… ….

    Anna

    May 30, 2010 at 8:56 pm

  5. Just somes up Londoners – nobs!

    Northern Soul

    May 30, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    • It’s “sums” and it’s also “knobs”.

      Retarded, ill-educated, smelly, northern monkey.

      Stay the fuck away from my metropolis!

      make

      May 31, 2010 at 4:02 pm

      • where I understand that you’re defending your pride, you just summed up the point he was making

        ellie

        April 3, 2011 at 12:24 am

      • @ellie I think he was being ironic. Maybe not being a Londoner you don’t understand irony.

        Harry

        December 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

      • Hahahah

        Libby

        December 24, 2011 at 8:17 pm

  6. But nobs who can spell “sum”?

    Bob

    May 31, 2010 at 9:50 am

  7. I was born in London and what I absolutely fucking despise the most is people who move here and then start acting all ‘London’ and are rude to everyone else.

    It’s those people that make the experience of living here horrible. Getting in the way, shoving people, being rude, acting like they are too trendy with their stupid fucking haircuts.

    make

    May 31, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    • Very true. I am from Paris and it is exactly the same!

      Citadin

      December 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm

  8. Hola!!!! I LOVE THIS!!!! BLOOMIN HYSTERICAL MATE!

    Yes, according to your checklist, I most certainly AM a Londoner!

    Duncan

    June 29, 2010 at 5:21 pm

  9. Black snot

    People tutting when someone throws themselves under a tube because it’s going to make them late.

    Jonathan

    August 5, 2010 at 9:32 am

    • That’s so me! And I am ashamed :(

      Sass

      December 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm

  10. KJ,

    you forgot screaming “That’s a red light, fuck face!” at cyclists gently wobbling across the crossing in front of you.

    Quentin

    November 17, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    • Oh that’s not just in London. I’ve had dreams about getting a Mercedes simply because I think the hood ornament looks like a cross-hair for bicyclists.

      Lee

      December 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

  11. All very true – on escalators, the stop dead when you get off at the top, walking on the right when signs clearly state, keep left, particularly at Paddington…
    Not to mention debating with your pals as to the best route to take to get somewhere on the tube, when, of course, it is running…

    Marios Patrinos

    November 29, 2010 at 8:46 pm

  12. I find this hilarious! My better half is a typical Londoner and I am…so not. Whenever we’re on the Tube he’s always whispering “Don’t make eye contact and, for Heaven’s sake, don’t SPEAK to people! This is London.”

    Tim Kershaw

    April 17, 2011 at 10:06 am

  13. Don’t forget nailing other umbrellas with your own in a never ending game of sidewalk and umbrella chicken!

    RC

    June 21, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    • lmao, don’t forget the umbrella athletics section where I have to hold it almost sideways to aviod getting tangled up with someone or lamp-posts

      Martina Foxie

      December 21, 2011 at 2:57 pm

  14. Jesus, I’ve only been in the country for 14 months and I’ve fully become a Londoner according to this. Spot on. Gonna slow down today and not really care ;-)

    Darryl Mead (@dbmcnz)

    August 7, 2011 at 10:01 am

  15. Utterly brilliant! I particularly enjoyed the parts about public transport and finding the sound of sirens comforting. Look forward to the next installment! Rico

    Rico Rodrigues

    December 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

  16. Haha funny!!!! Points 3 & 4 ‘the right of way riots’ particularly had me in stiches on the train (literally laughing out loud) .

    Now here’s another one we need to add to the list. Now I am on the train clearly laughing like a mad woman (a la night bus) and 90% of the train don’t bat an eyelid….bar the few “non Londoners” who I could feel long necking over in deep concern or maybe just curiosity?

    Of course I must have been far more entertaining than anything they may have captured on their permanent Nikon neck pieces .

    Fab article !

    WestEnd Girl

    December 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

  17. Sorry, I’m far too busy to comment! ;)

    Mark Anderson

    December 20, 2011 at 1:41 am

  18. Sounds like the same things a city across the waters feels! fun-E!
    (hailing from NYC)
    peace, love & positivity all

    Kalake

    December 20, 2011 at 5:25 am

  19. lol can’t say I miss it all that much… ok just a little :)

    Daniel Leckenby

    December 20, 2011 at 8:06 am

  20. Great list but you forget the greatest cardinal sin of the underground ever to have been established by the unthinking masses:

    People trying to get on whilst people are still getting off

    Anyone who does this can expect a FIRM shoulder barge

    Joe B

    December 20, 2011 at 11:07 am

    • Yeah some tourists made this mistake and abruptly encountered the shoulder of my 6’4 body builder friend. They literally flew until they hit the platform wall. V satisfying!

      Rob S

      December 20, 2011 at 4:23 pm

      • Your mate sounds like a prick.

        Chris

        December 21, 2011 at 1:42 pm

      • Like tube crowd surfing – almost looking forward to the next opportunity!

        Martina Foxie

        December 21, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    • Ohhhhhh yes. Too true that. Nothing annoys me more. And I’m not even from London!

  21. Is there REALLY an United Kingdom outside M25?

    Eldur Isidor

    December 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

  22. And not forgetting the oh so cheap rental prices, happy to pay £600 per month for living in a box in ‘trendy’ squalor. Just remember its all about the postcode not how big your room is.

    MAI

    December 20, 2011 at 11:53 am

    • You wont get anything in zone 2 for 600 quid! looking at 1000 minimum for a box in trendy squalor

      shoreditchtwat

      December 22, 2011 at 11:07 pm

      • Look harder, I pay £500 a month in zone 2 for a decent place!

        Amz

        December 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

  23. Really great piece – ever so glad its all behind me and I’m back in Cape Town

    sam

    December 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm

  24. “Does nothing work outside of London? Apparently not.”

    My favourite line from ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’. I found it hilarious, until I actually said it to someone in Leeds.

    Colin

    December 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

  25. I couldn’t possibly leave a comment – I’m way too busy.

    Bad Catholic

    December 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

  26. You had me at number 1!

    kendepauw

    December 20, 2011 at 4:16 pm

  27. You’re only a Londoner if you are actually from London. Not if you moved there for work, university etc. To us real Londoners, you all look like tourists! Goes to show really if you think Crystal Palace is actually that far way.

    James

    December 20, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    • This is so true. I don’t care if you’re from Bristol or Brazil, you’re still foreign as far as I’m concerned. And you’re probably in my way.

      Sarah

      December 21, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    • Ah, but you forget the North London vs South London thing (which the article failed to mention!).

      North Londoner: “But Crystal Palace isn’t in London, it’s in SOUTH London, and that isn’t in London. It hasn’t got a tube stop. No, the overground isn’t the tube.”

      South Londoner: “Enjoy your cramped smelly flat in Finchley three miles from the nearest tree. We have FAST trains.”

      North Londoner: “What’s a train, it’s the tube or death!”

      In 20,000 years North Londoners will be Morlocks, living underground, near their beloved tube.

      Anon.

      December 22, 2011 at 11:51 am

      • Hahahaha amazing and so true!

        Libby

        December 24, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    • I agree, people from small towns are not used to travelling for long periods of time, but really going to crystal palace isn’t exactly far!

      sally

      December 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    • Totally agree with this comment

      Ashley

      December 26, 2011 at 1:39 am

  28. http://clareacaye.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

    Guy interrupted, this is brilliant…we have a lot in common…3 qualities all Londoners possess: persistent irritation, alcohol dependancy, delusions of grandeur.

    I hope you enjoy my blog…please fax any responses to my PA’s PA as I am far to important to receive them myself.

    Clare Acaye

    December 20, 2011 at 4:49 pm

  29. That’s why I will NOT move to London, even though it would double my salary and further my career, I’d rather keep it real with my loose jeans and mellow outlook over here in super-chilled Bristol.

    Alex

    December 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

  30. The majority (if not the entirety) of this list is pretty much applicable to any city. Nothing special about London?

    Sam

    December 20, 2011 at 10:33 pm

  31. you know you’re a londoner when u no longer talk about the tube kthnxbye

    jme

    December 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm

  32. I think its hilarious how lots of people read this and see it as an insult to Londoners – I live in London and think it’s all true in a really funny way. From Ireland originally I mocked my London friends for doing this and now I live here alot of its true such as the getting irritated with people on escalators and waiting more than 3 mins for a tube. Pace of life here is much faster and more varied than anywhere I have ever lived…and I LOVE it!

    Jane

    December 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

  33. How about going out of your way to *not* ogle the celebrity that all the tourists are stopping to stare at… like that’s *so* uncool man, they have a life you know and they’re not even that special as I see them all the time in Soho [blatantly giving away your excitement about being in the same place as them on your Facebook status anyway].

    Mel Mack

    December 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

  34. Got to agree with james, born and bred londoners wouldnt think crystal palace was so far! you get used to travelling for an hour /45 mins to get somewhere in london.

    Sally

    December 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

    • born and bred Londoner here. Wouldn’t know where to start in getting to Crystal Palace. Also I would agree that is too far from Central London and would take too long

      Hadassa Noble

      January 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

  35. Ha! I’m definitely a Londoner according to above. Other tell tale signs are noticing there’s a black ring of dirt around the edge of your bath every night to match your black snot. Other things that piss me off on the tube (while we’re on the subject) is people that get up out of their seats to get to the doors prematurely before the next stop – causing everyone to fall about the place to let them past – just wait until the tube stops, fucktard. People not moving down the carriage also makes me want to smack them over the head with my Metro.

    Jesslw

    December 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    • You’re a Londoner if you can read the Metro or Evening Standard in the 1 square foot of floor space you have on the tube during rush hour.

      Anon.

      December 22, 2011 at 11:54 am

  36. Real Londoners don’t live in zone 1 or 2. Only students and newbies. If you live here long enough you realise how much nicer it is to live in zone 3 or 4. This coincides with realising that going out in the centre of town sucks.

    Chris

    December 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    • I completely agree with this. Zones 3 and 4 seem to be the perfect places to live for real Londoners. You can even go further than that sometimes because some areas have really good transport links back into the centre of town. Like for example you can get from Croydon to London Bridge in 15 minutes. Croydon’s stations are in zones 5.

      Richard Lartey

      December 22, 2011 at 3:50 am

    • Overstatement. Born and raised in Paddington. I’m pretty sure I’m a Londoner.

      But I agree, the place has become so overrun with tourists its hardly home any more. Living somewhere like Highgate sounds like paradise

      Hadassa Noble

      January 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

  37. Brilliant bit of blogging me old mucker. I grew up in London but as so many of us up here in Norf Luhnduhn (innit) dual nationality. Maybe we could blog on that whole spiel? But yeah, I miss the quiet order when out of town but look forward to leaving as often as possible!

    Martina Foxie

    December 21, 2011 at 3:02 pm

  38. As opposed to finding sirens comforting, I found they just became part of the background noise after a while. Which is probably bad. I have to admit I miss the bustle of the big city a little now that I’m not there.

    Jon

    December 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

  39. Much happier to be living in New York. I would suggest you to join me across the pond.

    Dave

    December 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm

  40. Haha! I’ve never lived in London but you’ve actually made my day with this! Hilarious! :-) I’ve never read your blog before, I’ll be back!

    Beverley | Pack Your Passport

    December 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm

  41. This article only applies to people who are undeservingly smug about living in a capital city.

    Donald

    December 21, 2011 at 7:47 pm

  42. That’s just sad. It isn’t like that *at all*.

    Margit

    December 21, 2011 at 8:16 pm

  43. I’m too busy to read this whole thing. way too long for a blog post. g2g…repost a shorter one sometime soon.
    ;)

    Ahnaf

    December 21, 2011 at 8:58 pm

  44. Reminds me on something I was once told by someone about ‘Londoners’:

    When someone outside London knocks into you on the street, they say sorry because they may come across you again. When a ‘Londoner’ knocks into you, they don’t because they know the chances of seeing you again are slim.

    Mike Dalgarno

    December 22, 2011 at 3:00 am

  45. Points 1-5 only really count when you start using the tube regularly.

    I was lucky enough to be born and raised here but it wasn’t until I used the tube regularly that I began to have silent thoughts of murder for anyone and anything that tried to disrupt my swift and agile progression to work, or anywhere else for that matter.

    God damn tourists.

    Chris

    December 22, 2011 at 9:55 am

  46. You know you’re not a Londoner when:
    1. You’ve seen buildings with architectural merit outside of London, so find the majority of London gauche and unpleasant.
    2. Mention of the tube either excites (because you haven’t seen it) or bores (because you have) you.
    3. Everyone walks too damn slow.
    4. Public transport is a battleground.
    5 You think that anywhere outside zone 1 is too far to travel. Why waste part of your precious holiday going to Edgeware?
    6. It surprises you to meet people with English as a first language. (You mean you were actually born here? Sorry, I didn’t realise because I’m racist.)
    7. Clothes that aren’t a statement of some sort are acceptable attire.
    8. You feel superior to Londoners and other non-Londoners (especially if they aren’t from Yoursville).
    9. Fresh air smells funny. “Eeeh, bai-gum, shut that door, you’ll let the cold in an’ we can’t afford heating this Christmas.”
    10. You find the sounds of sirens comforting. “Well, at least my council tax pays for something…”

    Adam

    December 22, 2011 at 2:11 pm

  47. I fulfil points 3, 4 and 6, whenever I go to work in London. And I’m FROM the country!

    Benjamin Howarth

    December 22, 2011 at 2:41 pm

  48. You moved here? Typical incomers. You turn upfrom your retard village like Manchester or Liverpool & whine when you can’t stand the pace of civilisation.

    abomination

    December 22, 2011 at 10:19 pm

  49. Ha ha! Brilliant! So very true and makes me quite pleased I have just left all that behind :-) x

    Louise Gillespie-Smith

    December 23, 2011 at 6:14 am

  50. I am so glad I finally moved away from London after 2 years: http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/leaving-london-moving-to-malta/

    Andreas Moser

    December 23, 2011 at 8:09 pm

  51. This is hilarious. I can see myself in a lot of these, although I do still make the effort to be polite – after all manners cost nothing. Also in the defence of us “adopted Londoners”, it really doesn’t take a minute to step out of the way if you don’t know where you’re going so that other people can get by, it’s just considerate. Oh god now I’m starting to sound like a proper Londoner…

    Another couple I’ve come across while being at home in the real country are:

    What do you mean you don’t take cards? How can a pub run a cash only bar?!

    And…

    The shop is closing? But it’s 6pm… Is there a bomb or something?

    Niall Hughes

    December 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

  52. A true London lads thoughts on this list.

    1. You no longer look up – Bullshit. Even if you live here you never get tired of noticing new things about London, that’s the beauty of it. Finding hidden corners of London to call your ‘own’ is what makes a proper Londoner.
    2. Waiting more than three minutes for a tube is absolutely preposterous – Fair enough
    3. Everyone walks too damn slow – No, you simply don’t notice anyone else
    4. The Underground is a battleground – No, again the people on it are simply non-existent. You don’t negotiate your way around them, because you simply don’t register them as people.
    5. You think anywhere outside Zone 2 is too far to travel – What? All the best raves/parties are outside zone 2
    6. It surprises you to meet people who have English as a first language – Wut?
    7. Purple hair and ballet tutus are acceptable attire – No, they look like Shoreditch twats
    8. You feel superior to non Londoners – Again wut?
    9. Fresh air smells funny – No, you don’t even know it exists. Seriously the first time I went to Oxford and rolled the car windows down without my eyes watering I was shocked beyond belief
    10. You find the sound of sirens comforting – Again you don’t actually notice them

    The life of the Londoner is one of blissful ignorance. The life of the faux-Londoner is one of pretetious twattishness. Do not confuse the two.

    Likely Lad #2

    December 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    • This, haha. Actually, I think anybody born and bred in a metropolis gets the same sort of numbness to urban life. Random lists of “How Londoner are you?” (or other How ________ are you? lists, for that matter) simply end up being an endless parade of stereotypes that really belie the fact that city life still kind of shocks you.

  53. Installment is American English Simon so technically it’s correct. Good try though guy!

    chad blackmore

    December 29, 2011 at 11:08 pm

  54. I love sirens me ….

    shinkyshonky

    December 30, 2011 at 10:45 am

  55. [...] The 10 signs that you’ve become a Londoner [...]

  56. Aye, a converted Londoner is different from a Londoner born and bred. I do agree with Likely Lad, though. Especially regarding Shoreditch.

    Adam

    January 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

  57. [...] Ten signs you’ve become a Londoner. Guy Interrupted. [...]

    Tuesday’s London Links

    January 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm

  58. So true, so funny, so frustratingly maddeningly true. At the same time I think we’re the same everywhere in our own special little maddening way. :-)

  59. [...] Ten signs you’ve become a Londoner. Guy Interrupted. [...]

    Tuesday’s London Links

    January 3, 2012 at 11:38 pm

  60. Most of these are true for any large city in the world. I am not sure why I am arguing with strangers on the internet but here is an argument anyway.

    The idea of a ‘Londoner’ is a preposterous construct. London is so sprawling and multicultural and varied that the idea of there being a definitive ‘Londoner’ who possesses certain qualities (beyond the obvious traits you acquire when faced with masses of strangers on a daily basis) is silly. I think what people here mean by ‘real’ Londoners are people who are white and British and upper-middle class and who see themselves as part of some cultural elite. Your identity cannot be taken away from you, it is not invalidated, but you must realize your city has taken a life of its own. The colonies have returned. They are colonizing you. There was a reason why thousands of teenagers took to the streets to burn down buildings. London is not owned by you. It cannot be owned. The city is infinite, it has outgrown you a thousand times. In a hundred years the rastafarians in Brixton will be complaining that they are the real Londoners. You can only ever know a tiny part of the city: something that massive and dense defies understanding. The quaint traditions, colonial attitudes and xenophobia of ‘real’ Londoners are like banners from yesterdays party. You are trampled underfoot. You are window dressing.

    Remember that movie, Children of Men? Where they round up non British and ship them out by the thousands, executing or incarcerating them like Nazis used to do with Jews? I really believe you are capable of that; racism, entitlement and elitism are all barely hidden under the surface. I even can smell it through the internet.

    /rant

    BadNewsChaps

    January 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

    • You’re so silly.. who brought race into it? Anyone can be a ‘Londoner’.

      Libby

      January 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

  61. If you’re not born and raised in London you’re not a Londoner.

    And if you’re not, your opinion is incredibly invalid.

    dan

    January 11, 2012 at 6:04 pm

  62. Born and raised in London, now live in rural bliss: this list also works in reverse.

    Ben Trovato

    January 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

  63. Points 2, 3 & 4 really did it for me, as I’m combining full time work and full time MSc studies. I use the underground for my daily commute. I have to make it to School within 35 minutes of leaving work in the mornings, hence I identify with points 2, 3 & 4. I think we need express underground that only stops at strategic stations or better still mainline stations. I think TFL should look into this, I’m sure commuters would not mind paying a little premium for this if it gets them to desired destination sooner than later

    Adenike Awe

    January 18, 2012 at 9:25 pm

  64. In reply to badnewschaps comments: I noticed one conclusion that you seemed to imply, but that you did not fully state. England robbed its colonies blind both culturally and financially. Now that it is being inhabited by non Anglo people, England is having to repay (again in cultural and financial terms), what it has taken. Being rude or belligerent about it only makes you look mire of a twat.

    Dale

    January 30, 2012 at 7:31 am

  65. Love it! In fact love it so much I have started my own spin off blog :)

    notalondoner

    February 2, 2012 at 3:08 pm

  66. Nothing beats being born and raised in London……

    Ross

    April 20, 2012 at 10:20 am

  67. Disagree with number one. The day you stop looking up and around at what’s going on in your city is the day you need a change of scene.

    sheloveslondon

    April 20, 2012 at 11:08 am

  68. I love this list. It is me through and through.
    I especially despise the wankers that wait till the barrier for their Oyster cards. Digging through their bags like Mary Poppins – surely you had it a second ago when you got on the fucking tube?!?
    Why is it such a surprise that you need it now? You had a good minute and a half on the escalator to find it, what were you thinking about all that time, fucking kittens?

    DBLivesInLondon

    June 27, 2012 at 9:39 pm

  69. That was REALLY true! however even after 4 years I still enjoy seeing old buildings and awesome “touristy” places in London :D Maybe I have a gene-resistance towards becoming a real Londoner! :D

    soudiwhispers

    December 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm


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