guy_interrupted's blog

Sex, drugs and sausage rolls: London life, love and other random stuff

Sex with friends: dangerous liaisons or good, clean fun?

with 14 comments

feet in bed

Not our real legs, in case you were wondering...

As gay men, we’re more likely to sleep with one of our immediate or extended social circle than our straight counterparts – I know I have. Take any group of gay friends and you can guarantee that at least two or three of them will have boffed each other at some point. It’s a bit like that six degrees of separation thing, except stickier.

Let’s face it. We’re homos. We like sex. We are lucky that the people we sleep with are also homos who like sex.

Which brings me nicely to the reason for this post.

I’m sleeping with one of my friends.

I never meant for it to happen. It just sort of…did. We’ve always flirted with each other, but I’m the exact opposite of his type, so I was actually rather knocked for six when we ended up back at his place after rather a few beers one Friday night before Christmas.

I’ll refrain from giving too much away so as to protect his identity, lest the follow up comments turn this blog into some elaborate online version of Guess Who? The likelihood of him reading this post is slim to none, but I’ll still spare him any potential blushes.

So why are we keeping it quiet? I mean, he’s good looking, has a good job (and a mighty fine backside) so it’s not as if I’m having it off with Quasimodo. We’re both single and therefore not hurting anyone so it’s OK, right? And the nice thing is we still have stuff to talk about before and after the sex. Kind of a “friend with benefits”. I actually find him fun to be around.

We simply haven’t told anyone because quite frankly – it’s none of their gosh darn collective business, and putting it out there for everyone to just start pitching in with their comments and judgements, etc…. Gah. Thanks, but no thanks.

So I guess what I’m wondering is this: What happens when feelings start becoming involved?

I’m used to being hit by a bolt of lightning where men are concerned, but perhaps it’s just a fact of life that as you get older and you’ve been hurt a few times, you become more guarded and less prone to rushing in feet first. At least I have, anyway. But am I doing it because it’s ‘safe’ and there’s less of a chance I’ll get hurt, or am I in denial that I do actually care for this guy?

Like it or not, the longer we carry on, the more potential there is that feelings will eventually develop, from one side or both. So someone’s potentially going to get their fingers burnt. Is it worth risking a friendship for that? More to the point – can I stop what I’ve started?

As I woke up a few mornings ago with him snuggled up on my chest, playfully moaning at me to go and make him a cup of tea, I didn’t have a definition for our situation. But I’ll tell you this. It felt bloody nice.

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Written by guy_interrupted

January 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm

14 Responses

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  1. Sounds like it’s too late chicken. Those pesky feelings are creeping on in there!

    Claire Mackaness

    January 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm

  2. Definition is for abs and dictionaries.

    Colm

    January 14, 2010 at 5:36 pm

  3. You are too guarded…

    I remember you kept telling me “I am not the boyfriend type” when I kept thinking… “he so is…”.
    And I was so in to you for AGES…

    Never project in the new Person the pain endured in the past…
    This guy sounds deserving of your attention and I know for sure that you are deserving of attention and tenderness also (not saying love because you are too guarded and will not react well to it…)

    Love is not a crime!

    Stop Being Frigid 🙂
    🙂
    x

    SID

    January 14, 2010 at 10:21 pm

  4. I had a similar thing once. A friend with ‘privileges’ in the end I ended it because there was something missing. Sex wasn’t enough. So the search goes on. In my humble, and this is from the vantage point of being single at 41. If you think there’s scintilla of a chance it’ll work. Give it a go. I dread to think of the opportunities I missed.

    Chris P

    January 15, 2010 at 10:49 am

  5. Well, I think you should ask yourself; would you be happy to introduce him as your boyfriend to someone? If so, then just go with it, regardless of labels (i.e. if it gets more serious then great, if not then no harm done). But if you wouldn’t be, then you need to properly analyse the situation.

    They’re my 2 cents.

    Scott De Buitléir

    January 18, 2010 at 5:19 pm

  6. ha! When I wrote about the overlap between mates and sex on my blog I was branded a heinous slapper! It seems your readers are a more tolerant lot 🙂

    Josh Hunt

    January 20, 2010 at 1:04 pm

  7. How are things now since you posted this? I would just be careful as to how you might broach the subject with the guy if things seem to get too serious. Nothing wrong with what you are doing. In fact I think it’s by far the best way of getting into a relationship with someone whenever you’ve been friends first. If I were in your situation I’d make some joke about being boyfriends and see how he reacts. I always hide my feelings with jokes! That or say nothing all.

    Samuel

    February 2, 2010 at 9:23 am

  8. I’ve slept with friends in the past without it leading on to anything more. I suppose it depends on what you want from the situation. For me, the sex petered out after a while, and it just made the friendship even closer and more comfortable than it was before. I love the flirty, tactile nature of my relationship with those people now, but at the same time I can see sex had the potential to ruin a valued friendship.

    superlative

    February 2, 2010 at 9:33 am

  9. It’s funny I should stumble upon this blog, because I just slept with my best friend. And strangely, it’s been working fine. I honestly would not want a relationship with my friend. I love him to death, but dating him would be a nightmare. I guess you have to ask yourselves (yes, he needs to be honest too) whether you two could have a future together. It’s hella awkward, trust me, but worth it. It’s always best to know where each stand.

    danny

    February 23, 2010 at 5:37 am

  10. Can I just say that I loved reading this blog! I hope everything turns out ok with the no alcohol and your friend!!

    lance

    March 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

  11. Sounds lovely, if you ask me :o)

    Owen Blacker

    March 14, 2010 at 4:04 pm

  12. I was a virgin until about five months ago, and after three hours of foreplay, I finally penetrated and came right then. Since then, my girlfriend and I have broken up, but are best friends now. I have a strange uncontrollable urge to go down on every girl I see (I think because I enjoy a turned-on girl more than I enjoy anything).

    Neither I nor my best friend (my ex girlfriend) are seeing anyone, and “friends” have sex all the time, so what is the best way to ask her to let me “practice”? After my first “real” sexual experience, I feel incredibly inadequate, especially since we broke up not long after that. I really want to get better. Christ, I’m nineteen and not getting any younger.

    —Active Tongue

    Inversion table

    February 5, 2011 at 4:37 am

  13. In a comparison of personal relationships, friendship is considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations. Friendship and association can be thought of as spanning across the same continuum. The study of friendship is included in the fields of sociology, social psychology, anthropology, philosophy, and zoology. Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, among which are social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles.

    Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

    * The tendency to desire what is best for the other
    * Sympathy and empathy
    * Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart
    * Mutual understanding and compassion
    * Trust in one another (able to express feelings – including in relation to the others actions – without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
    * Positive reciprocity – a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

    Teeter Hang ups

    February 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

  14. The conventional wisdom is that good friendships enhance an individual’s sense of happiness and overall well-being. But a number of solid studies support the notion that strong social supports improve a woman’s prospects for good health and longevity. Conversely, it has been shown that loneliness and lack of social supports are linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer as well as higher mortality rates. Two female researchers have even termed friendship networks a “behavioral vaccine” that protects both physical and mental health.[16]

    While there is an impressive body of research linking friendship and health status, the precise reasons for this connection are still far from clear. Most of the studies are large prospective studies (that follow people over a period of time) and while there may be a correlation between the two variables (friendship and health status), researchers still don’t know if there is a cause-and-effect relationship, e.g. that good friendships actually improve health.

    There are a number of theories that attempt to explain the link, including that: 1) Good friends encourage their friends to lead more healthy lifestyles; 2) Good friends encourage their friends to seek help and access services, when needed; 3) Good friend enhance their friend’s coping skills in dealing with illness and other health problems; and/or 4) Good friends actually affect physiological pathways that are protective of health.

    strumpfhosen

    March 2, 2011 at 6:23 am


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